Monday, June 16, 2014

Lake Excursion

I've been planning for this weekend's lake excursion for a week and a half. My first reaction when invited was JOY!! I absolutely love the birthday girl and the whole group will be fun. Then.........reality set in. The invitation mentioned a boat and jet skis. Things that cannot be ridden on or in wearing jeans. Only one thing will work. I RSVP'd NO.

Seriously, I'm going, but panicking about what I'll wear. I own several very cute swimsuits that fit me. Two years ago! So, I went shopping yesterday and bought the first suit I tried on. It's official, I've given up. It fit, had a skirt and was fairly cute on the hanger. Now I'm trying to find the perfect cover up. I'm looking for something along the lines of a bathrobe, but with a sequin or two so everyone knows it's a swimsuit cover up. Looking online I've found only two varieties of cover ups. Useless and utilitarian. Useless: this includes cover ups made of sheer material, crocheted thingies and just a couple of strings that you wrap around yourself. If I could wear a sheer cover up, that would mean I like my body and I'd be showing it off. No need to cover up. The utilitarian borders more on the muumuu side. Voluminous waves of patterned nylon. Nylon. Now there's something that doesn't go well with heat.

On to beach towels. EVERYTHING we own is practical. Our beach towels. One is a freebie and the texture of horrible toilet paper and it's emblazoned with the logo of the company who gave it to us for free. I'm not even sure we have other beach towels. So, I was looking at beach towels today and dreaming of finding one that matches my new suit perfectly. I could just imagine myself arriving at the party in my adorable cover up, precious swimsuit, matching flip flops and beach towel with , and here's where it gets tricky, Rob.

Not only am I fretting about my wardrobe , I'm the only one concerned about Rob's. I asked him yesterday "Don't you need some new swim shorts". I asked him that because I don't know if it's a swim suit, board shorts, or what you are supposed to call them, because we NEVER buy them. His answer, of course, "No, I have the red ones". In related news, there will be a new exhibit at the Smithsonian this weekend featuring the world's oldest swim shorts. You guessed it, Rob's. They probably were red at one time, but when I sent a picture of them to the curator she said she was going to catalog them as "rust colored antique swim shorts".

Well, it's only Monday and I've searched in exactly one store for a cover up. If you need me this weekend, I'll be the one wearing a 2XL men's t-shirt over my swimsuit, carrying a bag overflowing with sunscreen and mismatched towels. I'll be with the guy in the rust colored shorts and the flip flops that are too big. Trust me, you won't miss us.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Bland Jelly Belly

Reporter: I'm reporting live from the scene where a young woman reported a Jelly Belly missing. Firefighters are on the scene as well.
Mrs. Robert M. Jackson, III, can you tell us exactly what happened?
Me: FOR THE LOVE! Do not use my husbands name, he freaks out when I tag him in a Facebook post. So, you can just call me Bambi. Young woman?!! Thank you so much. You know, I've been feeling old since I turned 30;)
Reporter: Uhm, Bambi?
Me: Yes, that's my stage name.    
Reporter:'re a stripper?
Me: Don't act so surprised! I COULD be. Well, probably not. No, several of us were joking around at the gym and came up stage names. I worked out with Tyra, Bianca and Victoria.    
Reporter: Let's get back to why we are here. The lost jelly bean.
Me: Well, I was lying in bed eating a handful of Jelly Bellys when one slipped from my clenched fist.
Reporter: Can you describe the lost bean?
Me: I originally thought it was red, because you know in the candy world red is always best. I thought surely I had lost the best Jelly Belly ever!
Reporter: Was it red?
Me: No. It was a disappointing beige color.
Reporter: I notice there is a fireman  here and I'm wondering how he got involved?
Me: In the 15 seconds it took me to locate the JB, I was genuinely a damsel in distress so I called them.
Reporter: Why not call the police?
Me: To be honest, I often see the fireman at the KrogerS on Edmondson and I thought if I was going to be distressed I might as well do it in the company of handsome firemen.
Reporter: How'd that work out for you?
Me: When the rookie arrived holding a Dalmation and riding a scooter, I began to think they didn't take my call seriously.
Reporter: Getting back to the issue, when you were reunited with the bean,what was it like?
Me: I'm not sure. Its color didn't lead me to expect much, and I wasn't disappointed. I couldn't identify the taste........roasted marshmallow, sheet of paper? Who knows.
Reporter: Well, thank you so much for your time Mrs. Jac.....I mean, Bambi.
(Looking at camera) Well folks, this is Chanel 4's Beyonce Sugars  and I'm calling it a night!