Monday, March 21, 2011

My job hunt

Job Hunting in a “foreign” city…… I’m trying to update my resumé, and feeling very overwhelmed by the task while simultaneously underwhelmed by my achievements! I’ve always lived and worked in the vast metropolis of Dublin. I've always just found jobs via word of mouth. So, the whole resumé thing is a bit daunting. I’m accustomed to just talking to someone about the job and then giving them whatever resumé I have on file along with a copy of my nursing license. Does anyone really read cover/intro letters? The only time I ever paid attention to them was to look for misspelled words. I know that truth is valued when applying for a job, but I’m not sure prospective employers would want the whole truth from me! My truth is something like this…………… To Whom It May Concern: Attached please find my glorious resumé. You won’t even need to review it; I’ll just take the job if it fits my requirements. I’m highly motivated when it comes to cookies and M&M Blizzards with extra chocolate syrup. I’ve been known to scale the freezer section in Publix in search of a slice of Key Lime pie. Obviously, I’m goal oriented. I prefer to come in to work around 9 or 9:30. Lunch for me is 12-1:30, unless I need to stop by the grocery store on my lunch break. In that case, I’ll be back sometime before 4:00. I’ll need to leave around 4:00 p.m. so I’ll have time and energy to engage in my latest hobby, cooking. I’m flexible when it comes to breaks, but please know that when nature calls I must heed. A 15 minute break in the morning and one or two in the afternoon should be sufficient for me to return personal calls and texts and have a Diet Dr. Pepper. I’ll need an office with a window and some birdfeeders outside. Having worked in the equivalent of a brightly lit shoebox for the last several years, views of nature are non-negotiable. Also, 1-4 furchildren will be accompanying me to work daily. Of course, they’ll need plenty of room, some comfy beds and food. Please remove any employees who may be allergic to cats or those who just simply don’t like animals. If they don’t like animals, I’m sure I won’t like them so best to just fire them before I arrive. Vacation. Ah, good ole vacation. 3 weeks per year should be sufficient when combined with my taking every federal holiday with pay. "Pay commensurate" with experience seems to be the going rate. Since I’m fantabulously experienced in things I think are important, you can just pay me what I think I’m worth. I’ll also need a healthy budget for a new work wardrobe. I’ve previously worked in my pajamas aka scrubs, so I don’t have that many great street clothes. I’d like to retain the right to wear my jammies (scrubs) whenever I want to be comfy. Also, as long as the temp is above 32 degrees I’ll be wearing flip flops. Makeup is optional. Usually, I like the more natural look, but I’ve been experimenting with liquid eyeliner so who knows where that may lead me. I think that about sums up my qualifications and needs. I’ll be in town on April 8th and I’ll just pop in that morning. You should have plenty of time to begin my orientation prior to my lunch break. Her Majesty, Mrs. Jackson